Last week, on the Fourth of July, we drove past the local car wash. Out in front was an ambulance, a firetruck and a crowd. I couldn't help but think "I'm SO glad it's not me this year!" Famous last words.
Brian's working again this weekend, and since I've had a crazy last week, I was looking forward to some down time. I had a babysitter coming at 5:30 this morning so I could get a couple hours running in, but after that we really had no plans. Unfortunately, a day without a schedule is completely against my nature. I'd not been home from my run more than an hour when Riley wandered into the living room (having just gotten up at 9AM! She gets that from Brian) and asked if we could do a project. SURE! She's spent the last week at an art day camp, and so wanted to do a REALLY BIG painting. Fortunately, I had a roll of canvas in the garage, which had just enough on it to do a 4 foot x 4 foot painting. We rolled out the canvas onto the drop-cloth in the Florida room, and began to plan for our painting. I quickly realized that I had no gesso to prep the canvas, and so gathered the kids into the car and headed down to Destin. This time of year, you've got to go EARLY or you wind up in bumper to bumper traffic on the Mid-Bay Bridge. I figured that since we were down there, we might as well swing by the Barnes&Noble / Starbucks. We'd just found everything we "needed" at the bookstore (each child was allowed one book - and of course, both had gone straight for the cheesiest, most commercialized offerings in the bargain books section - where all the books come with plastic toys attached. I was just trying at least talk Jackson down from the Spiderman puzzle book and get Riley to relinquish her "Disney Princess Stage" selection and were heading for the check-out when a very nice lady swooped into the children's area and announce that it was STORYTIME! Great. There is no way to get a kid to just walk away from that without causing the sort of scene that I usually try to avoid. Oh, well. We had no schedule, right? I let my monkeys plop down on the front bench while I continued to peruse the "beginning readers" aisle and the "American Girl" section. Mostly, I really wanted to dash over to the Starbucks for my current fav drink - a "RedEye" (cup of drip coffee with a shot of expresso). However, all the other moms were staying nearby (actually, they were even paying attention to the story and beaming appreciatively at the reader and their children - I was lurking two shelves over, listening to Jackson interject random comments from his own book and Riley interrupt with her own commentary about the books. I kept thinking that maybe I should intervene and put a halt to all my offsprings' excess prattle... but then zipped off to place my order at Starbucks instead. I came back with coffee in hand, to claim my urchins before the storylady could launch into another book. Of course, Jackson saw my hot beverage and immediately asked
"MOMMY, WHATS THAT?"3QA
"It's coffee, Jackson"
"I HAVE SOME MOMMY? PWEEZE? I HAVE SOME COFFEE MOMMY?"
All the beaming moms instantly freeze and shoot snooty looks our way.
"No, Jackson, lets go get some ah... nice herb tea instead..." And I quickly scooped them up and herded them towards the Cafe. (Where I did get him herb tea... I don't usually let him have coffee... but it doesn't stop him from asking.
After the bookstore we headed down the road to Michaels. All I needed was the gesso and some more acrylic paint for our project, I had a scone in the car for the kids to split, so I figured with that sort of bribe they were sure to be cooperative. We were zipping through the store quite nicely, too - when something brought us to a screaching halt. The kids craft table. Michaels offers kids crafts on Saturdays. Riley was drawn to the table like a bug to that zapping purple light. With a sigh, I signed the parental consent form ("your child may, and very likely will, get messy. You are required to supervise at all times. Any paint your child wears or ingests is entirely the fault of the parent"). Riley picked out the blue bag to paint (neither pink nor purple were available), and then began to study the available stencils. She chose the puppy stencil and the pawprints stencil and arranged the three on her bag (no shock there, Riley has been in a serious puppy phase since we started all this fostering for the Golden Retriever Rescue), and set about painting a yellow dog. Unfortunately, on the blue background, this wound up being a lime-green dog, so she wisely chose to brindle the coat with orange. Meanwhile, I was dashing back and forth between the craft table and the bin of wind-up airplanes where Jackson was amusing himself. He was doing okay - but I never know when he'll decide to throw an airplane across the store in mock-flight or when he'll decide to wander off towards something breakable. I maintained the dashing about until Riley was done with her project, at which time we proceeded to the acrylic pain dep N artment. We'd picked out our colors and the gesso, and were wandering back by the craft table to pick up Riley's project. The table was now crammed with children... most of them little girls. And wouldn't you know it, Riley's project was propped up for all to see, and most of the kids were now painting their own bags... with the exact same little puppy and pawprints! RileY"S A TRENDSETTER.
So, after removing the children to the car, I drove home in fervent hopes that Jackson would fall asleep before we got home. No such luck, he was still wide awake and singing Broadway showtunes when we pulled into the drive. I set Riley to work on some other project, and proceeded to coerce Jax into a nap (by falling asleep with him). Shortly after, Riley woke me up and reminded me there was PAINTING to do!
We set to work on our big painting. I tinted the gesso with blue and we covered the 4 foot x 5 foot canvas with it. Then we gathered the live flowers in the vase in the kitchen and brought them out to the Florida room for subject matter. We were just working on the drawing for the painting when Jax woke up and toddled out to the back porch/Florida room to investigate, wearing only his underwear. Hoping to buy us a little more painting time, I pointed him in the direction of the vacuum cleaner and broom - which he was all to happy to play with (don't worry, it was unplugged). He likes to take two of the vacuum's accessories and create a sword and sheath, then go about the house drawing his sword and poking at the couches, dogs, his sister and me. He was also using the Florida room door as a shield, and in mid swing suddenly got this mischevious look in his eye. He smirked at me, locked the door between the Florida room and the house, then pretended like he was going to shut it and lock Riley and me out of the house. I used my most threatening mommy voice to growl "You better not, Jackson..." Surprisingly, he actually listened to me, and abandoned both the sword and the shield (door) to join Riley and me in the Florida room. A few minutes later he was engrossed in some other game entirely. Riley and I were happily painting the petals of the flower and discussing basic tenants of color use (ie: using complementary colors instead of black for shading) when I looked up just in time to see Jackson taunt Dozer, run out into the Florida Room and shut the door behind him. Yes, the still-locked door.
Great. Oh well, not to panic. I was sure there was a window open somewhere - we usually leave the windows between the Florida room and the kitchen unlocked and partially cracked to keep the once-back-porch-now-Florida-room cool. Since Riley and I had a TON of paint already on the palate, we had to use it up before it dried. So, I put Jax in Time-Out in the corner and we kept on painting. There was plenty of time to break into the house when the painting was done. Of course, Jax never stays in Time-out too long and now he had to pee. So I relented and let him out, and with no other option, told him he could go pee behind a tree in the backyard. I shooed him out the door, then set aside my paints to go out and supervise the covert urination. When I turned back around, I spied Jax, with tightie-whities around his ankles, standing on the side of the deck (facing the street) gleefully peeing over the side. I rushed out to pull up his pants, try to explain that when peeing in public, it's best to do it OUT OF PLAIN SIGHT and direct him to a more appropriate potty spot (too late, he was already done). Shortly after we returned to the Florida room he proceeded to ride the broom around the tiny Florida room and knock over the vase of fresh flowers that we were painting from.... and it spilled ALL over the painting. Fortunately, that part of the canvas was mostly dry, so it was no huge deal, but I decided to take this break to attempt our break-in. First tried all the windows from the Florida room into the house. Surprisingly, they were all locked. I then methodically checked every other door and window. Also all locked. I ran over to the neighbor's thinking that maybe I'd given them a key - nope, one wasn't home, the other had no key. I finally began to consider other, more aggressive means of entry. I pried off some of the plastic surrounding one window - turns out they're constructed quite sturdily, and I couldn't gain entrance this way. They I found a small nail on the art table, and began tapping on the part of the window adjacent to the lock on the other side. Turns out, glass is really pretty strong... and also, I'm not such an aggressive tapper. I was starting to get worried. Brian was out of town, my iphone was inside the house, and I wasn't sure how I was going to get in. Okay. My next plan-of-attack was to out and out smash a window. I chose one that needed replacement anyway (it was a double paned window, and the seal had broken, so it was all misty and steamy between the two panes), found a block of wood and smashed as hard as I could. Well, maybe not quite as hard as I could. Actually, it turns out I'm not a very good smasher (as last year's lock-out also proved). I finally gave up, admonished the kids to stay in the back yard, and traipsed off to a neighbor's house.
When they answered the door, I did my best to try and explain my predicament, and ask to use their phone. My very nice neighbor obliged and even offered to look up a number in the phone book and call information for me, all the while commisserating with me by plying me with stories of their own lock-out. All well and good, and I was trying very very hard to listen politely - but I could see my backyard from their kitchen window, and Jackson was shooting everything in sight with the garden hose - including his sister, and unfortunately he was doing an admirable job of illustrating the idiom "you can run but you can't hide". Poor Riley was drenched. Jax was soaked as well. I tried to hurry the process by just borrowing the neighbor's phone to talk to the locksmith myself, ran out to rescue Riley, and tried to talk to another neighbor who had apparently been watching the window-smashing project from her home and came over to investigate, all the while trying to give my address to the locksmith on the phone.
Mission accomplished, the locksmith was enroute. Now nothing was left to be done but to wait... on the driveway.... in the heat. Both kids quickly became weary of playing with the sticks, rocks and grass I offered up as amusement in the front yard, and asked to go stay at the neighbor lady's house. I aquiessed and shuttled them in their wet clothes (although Jackson was still only wearing underwear) to the neighbor's front stoop and asked if they might wait in the AC while I camped out on my driveway and waited for the locksmith. She happily agreed, and I went back to my vigil. So, the locksmith finally arrived and managed to jimmy open the back door, and after about 10 minutes and $80, I collected the kids and we headed back to our now accessable home to crash on the couch.
All's well that ends well... especially when it ends in the air conditioning!
